Felix’s Birth Story, My CSAC
There’s a lot of lingo people use to describe subsequent cesareans. People just say, “repeat;” some women say “elective repeat cesareans.” In the ICAN village, a lot of women use the term CBAC to describe a VBAC attempt that ended in cesarean. This stands for Cesarean Birth After Cesarean. I don’t use that term because I don’t feel I have given birth to my children. To me, having someone else remove the baby from my body is not birthing.
I twinge reading my surgical report where it says, “The patient delivered abdominally.” That’s an active voice verb–delivered. I didn’t do anything but lie there. I prefer CSAC, which is cesarean section after cesarean.
This time, things were probably as good as they can get for a cesarean delivery minus putting my baby on my chest in the OR. My doula was there with me, along with my husband and the midwife. Last time, they didn’t bring Corey in for a long time and the midwife had to run off to catch someone’s baby that the surgeon would have been catching. But I had a husband, doula, and midwife with me for Felix. So I had a lot of people who cared about me at the head of the table.
(Edited to add: At Magee, they bring your support people into the OR after they establish the sterile field. This time, I had my midwife with me while they prepared my body and then they brought in Corey and Karen pretty quickly afterward)
The anesthesiologist this time was, again, awesome. There had been a shift change and now Dr. O’C (another DO) was on duty. She was gentle and attentive, used my first name, and listened to me when I told her I felt claustrophobic. She moved things away from my face, found alternate ways to deliver oxygen to me so I didn’t feel smothered by the mask, and held the curtain away so I could look at Felix when he was pulled out. In the event of a cesarean, I had wanted to make sure everyone in the room respected our major life event (which I didn’t feel happened last time) and that definitely came to be.
One of the nurses had formerly worked at a birth center and understood that I’d worked for a normal birth. Dr. B. said several times that he understood this wasn’t the outcome I’d been hoping for. Everyone acknowledge my fear and disappointment and that made things a lot better for me. We also got to have pictures of Felix’s early moments. How do you even describe what that means? We have no images of Miles until I was wheeled into recovery, but we have photos of each of us meeting Felix for the first time, of him still caked in meconium, of him on the baby scale.
And, as I mentioned earlier, I got to see my placenta this time. Pam brought it over and showed me all the parts of it, and the sac that had nourished and protected Felix for months.
Another thing that made the CSAC a better experience was having ICAN with me. One of the nurses participates with our chapter and she was on duty that day, stopping in to talk with me and visit. My doula is a VBAC mom. Corey was updating and sharing encouragement from ICAN members throughout the day. So, mentally and emotionally, I felt supported.
My recovery, as I mentioned, was rough. Even in the hospital, there was a miscommunication about my pain medication until I reached a 10 on the pain scale and was crying in my bed. The nurse assumed I was crying because I hadn’t had a vaginal birth and so I had to wait even longer for pain relief. We spent the rest of my stay chasing the pain rather than staying on top of it–a much worse scenario when you’ve had your abdomen severed and your organs (quite literally) man-handled.
Five weeks out, I am finally allowed to lift Miles again, but my ab muscles are still separated, I’m still bleeding and I have strange purple splotches around my incision. I’m following up at Magee to figure it all out, and I keep on keeping on because I have 2 children to parent now.
Recently, Samantha Shapiro wrote a feature on Ina May Gaskin in the New York Times and had a wonderful way of describing feelings I share about the arrival of my children. She wrote, “It should be possible both to acknowledge that something real was lost in the way my baby was born and to know that this loss is finite.” The finite part of that is what I cling to now, knowing that as time goes on my lower abdomen will look less like a grape vine and that I will, in all ways, begin to heal.
Tags: birth story, CSAC, Felix, vbac
June 12th, 2012 at 9:24 am
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry the birth of Felix didn’t happen as you’d hoped and prepared for.
That’s awful about the pain meds too
but kind of cool you got to see the placenta.
June 12th, 2012 at 9:38 am
Oh Katy…. Loving you.
June 12th, 2012 at 9:57 am
Someday, I hope that you will be able to see how beautiful even this imperfect story is.
June 12th, 2012 at 11:10 am
There is so much I can say here about this since I’ve had 2 c/s’s and longed for a vaginal birth. It does get easier in time but it’s a loss and it always remains a loss. But I have found this to be true that the longer I parent – my oldest is 9- the more I realize I define myself as a parent in every moment of every day not in just how i delivered. Delivery via a c/s does not define me as a Mother though I had to fight through this notion for a long time. Having a c/s, did change me though and I think in the end for the better. It made me stronger and it made me try harder to obtain the things I wanted like breastfeeding. It also continues to be a source of strength for me when I am trying to do something hard- like the RCC or running or whatever. I think about the hell I went through delivery my babes and I know whatever I’m facing I can do it cause I got through those two births. I still have moments of pain associated when someone has a wonderful vaginal birth experience. But it’s fleeting. Your story resonates with me. I share a lot of the same feelings. I also have no pictures of my babies right after delivery. That’s something that I miss too.
Oh the other thing I wanted to say is that I struggled with doubt too. ONe of my biggest questions/concerns, was did I really need this c/s? And though everyone could tell me “yes you did” that doubt remained. It’s mostly resolved now. I read your story and to me it’s clear you needed a c/s. But I get the doubt you had. I had it too.
Sorry this was so long!
June 12th, 2012 at 11:18 am
That is so hard to read. I am so sad that is how everything ended. I knew the ending before I started reading these and yet I still kept hoping it would be different when I got to the end
So sorry you had to be cut open again and don’t get to feel like you gave birth to either of your boys. I hope that you do in all ways heal and as quickly as possible!
June 12th, 2012 at 11:28 am
Katy, thank you for sharing your story. There are moments written here that are sad but others that are beautiful. It is a beautiful story because it is the tale of one little person’s journey into the world and your journey as a strong, loving mother. My heart goes out to you as you recovery physically and emotionally from the experience.
June 12th, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Thanks so much for sharing your story Katy. I agree with Monica who said “someday I hope you will be able to see how beautiful this story is” – your story wasn’t the way you planned to bring Felix into the world, but it made me laugh and cry and it was beautiful. I’m so glad that it went better the 2nd time around and that you felt respected and acknowledged in the OR. You are a wonderful person and you deserve only the best. Thinking of you often.
June 12th, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Katy, I’ve been coming at my own c-section regrets with a “who cares–breechbaby and I are ALIVE!” kind of attitude. But if I’m honest with myself, I think if I were in your shoes I’d be just as upset. You labored. Twice. I never even had a contraction, yet I STILL feel like I ran a whole marathon only to be carried over the finish line. I can’t imagine how much worse it would’ve been if I’d actually had the end in site, just a centimeter away. You are a soldier.
FWIW, I’m proud of you for doing everything in your power to protect your baby and your body. And in the end you did the very best you possibly could, even though it was the hardest thing anyone could’ve asked of you. Your family is so lucky to have a Katy like you. [Hugs.]
June 12th, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Katy ~ I am truly sorry you didn’t have the VBAC you wanted. I know how hard you worked for it. Have faith that there was nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. Focus on the good that has come out of this, your beautiful baby boy, Felix. Know that you are strong and inspiring to many women. Love and Light to you.
June 12th, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Katy,
I read this with tears in my eyes. I didn’t know the outcome, though I suspected something based on you having to be cleared to pick up Miles. I was really hoping for a last minute twist in the story where Felix crowned just as you were being wheeled out of the delivery room and you delivered in the hallway. I guess that would have been too “Hollywood” of an ending but as cheesy as that ending was, in my head that’s really what I was hoping for you. I really, really believed that you had gotten the VBAC you were working towards.
Amalia’s birth left me with a small regret that I didn’t get to experience the loss of my mucus plug or my water breaking or a “real” (versus induced) contraction. A happy healthy baby, though, is a pretty good way to make those small regrets seem that much less significant.
Congratulations on both of your happy healthy boys:)
June 12th, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Thank you, everyone, for reading and responding. I really do feel like I did everything I could to prepare and everything I could during my birthing time. I also feel tremendously proud of my body, because I now know for certain it “works” in that way (I’d surely have gotten to 10 if there hadn’t been an emergency for Felix). I just have to work through the sad parts. Staring at my moose of a baby boy certainly helps with that.
June 12th, 2012 at 4:13 pm
Congratulations on your sweet baby boy. I am sorry that you didn’t get the birth you had hoped for. It is OK to feel sad about that.
I am so glad that you had a lot of wonderful support throughout your birth and that it was as good as it could be (except the pain management after) I hope that you heal quickly.
Hugs!
June 22nd, 2012 at 7:22 pm
Katy, I am just getting to read this now. I am so sorry that things didn’t go as you planned and wanted and worked so hard for. But I’m so happy for you that you did get so many important things, your water breaking, getting to a NINE!!, having people be respectful of your feelings, getting pictures of Felix right away. They are little wins, but they are wins. I’m so happy for you for the wins, and my heart goes out to you for the non-wins. You are strong and powerful and you did birth your babies. I understand your feelings, I felt that way with my c/s too. But your grew them and nourished them and they came out of your body. You are an amazing woman and mother. Love to you <3